I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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