I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
