You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
