I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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