Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
