I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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