I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
