You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
