if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
