I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
