Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
