I looked at my own cervix.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize