Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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