I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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