worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
