I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
