he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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