I was born with a shot glass in my hand
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
