If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
im holly from the hills drunk
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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