I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
