Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
