If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
