in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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