Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
There's always time for handjobs
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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