Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
