Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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