I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
