party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My penis needs a shock collar
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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