how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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