I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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