at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize