You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?