Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
