lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
