it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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