Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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