here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
