I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
