nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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