its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
