i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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