i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
