part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
