just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
