Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize