I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
