You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
