Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
