i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
