Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
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She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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