Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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