So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
